Yizkor 5765, by Rabbi Denise L. Eger

We have just finished our holy and unique healing service. We have opened our hearts to the possibilities of refuah—healing of body and spirit- seeking a place a wholeness. We have opened our souls to the possibility of God’s embrace. This renewal of life, healing hands, flowing melodies and words of prayer are but one way we seek to heal. But healing can also come in other forms. For those in great pain and suffering, death too is a healing; A healing from misery, affliction and torment. We don’t often imagine death to be a relief from our pain but death can be a release of the soul from a tortured body.

Who among us has not known a loved one whose suffering was too great to bear? The finality of death—and even the deep loss it brings to those who live on, can bring a sense of peace and wholeness for those who have been wracked with pain. We say “At least she isn’t suffering now.” “Now he is at peace.” Each of these is a moment of healing.
And we mean it.

But even as we have prayed for peace for those who are dead, we miss them. We memorialize our loved ones at time of Yizkor as a sign of honor and respect and yes, a time for healing of ourselves. Even with our deep wounds of loss, the memory of a spouse, or a child, or a parent can bring us at this hour, a healing of love; a healing of hope --that all is not swept away by the passing of years or months. Our yizkor prayers today, is its own healing service because it teaches us that through memory, and yes, our tears, our loved ones live on inside of us, present with us as we carry them and their goodness with us.

One aspect of the Yizkor service from earlier generations was connected to forgiveness. Just as we ask God for forgiveness of our sins on Yom Kippur Day, and we are to ask others for forgiveness of the ways in which we harmed one another—so too we are to ask forgiveness from the dead. This Yizkor service is to also ask our family and friends who have died to forgive us –for that last argument, for the years of silence. This Yizkor service enables us to ask for forgiveness for forgetting a yarzeit or forgetting to come to temple to say kaddish on the anniversary of the death. This Yizkor service and our recitation of Kaddish can help to heal those wounds of relationships that weren’t so perfect.

And the Kaddish traditionally is said to help redeem those who are dead! A midrash of the rabbis teaches: In a dream a sage encountered a ghost loaded down with wood that he was sentenced to carry in Eternity because of evil committed during his lifetime. “How can I help you the Rabbi asked?” The ghost replied: “ I had a son. If he should go to the synagogue and publicly praise God, my sin will be remitted.” Then the Sage searched out and found the son and taught him the Kaddish.

The Kaddish –a prayer, which makes no mention of death, but instead praises God and life, according to Jewish tradition redeems the souls of our dead.

The Kaddish prayer is a way we can communicate with our dead—we can say to them –through its words—Forgive me—even as I honor your memory. Yitgadal—v’yitkadash shmeh rabbah—I praise God’s great and sacred name—as I honor my loved ones in their death.

This Yizkor hours is also for us to find some way to say Kaddish for those who harmed us.

Do we want to memorialize those who caused us harm? Physically or spiritually, emotionally or mentally? The truth is we can’t help but remember the pain of abuse. Those memories remain with us. Even at this Yizkor hour—that memory of those who caused such hurt haunts us. But Yizkor can be a time of healing since this is the hour dedicated to the memory of the dead. It can be a time of healing to forgive in death what in life we could not. This Yizkor hours comes to remind us that to forgive another, even in death, brings a sense of relief and healing. It helps us to let go of the burdens that keep us entrenched in pain, grief, sorrow, and anger.
Forgiveness of those now dead, can help us move on to a fuller life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation—but it is a step for us to move forward with life. The Book of Psalms teaches us (91:4-11): “You will find refuge under God’s wings. You need not fear the terror by night. God’s angels will guard you wherever you go and carry you in their hands.” God’s protection-God’s love comes through the act of forgiveness. It is part of Divine grace and lovingkindness that we try to emulate on this sacred day. Just as God forgives us—so we too must forgive others.

Our ancestors recognized that on this Day of Atonement for our actions and inactions, seeking forgiveness from those who died and granting it to those who are dead is also a deep part of the healing formula.

As Mahatma Ghandi said: The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

So now at this hour of Yizkor—some with fond memories, and others of us with painful memories—we say aloud. I forgive you, even in death, I forgive you as I ask you to forgive me.

So today at this Yizkor hour let us be strong. Let us go in strength through the corridor of memories through the corridor of forgiveness. And let us emerge healed with strength for the journey through this new year.

Ken Yehi Ratzon.

Posted by Lee at September 28, 2004 01:11 PM